The Big Deal Column

A Big Deal Column Memorial Day Special!

Ron and Chel — Tue, 26 May 2009 04:14:00 GMT

I hate to admit it but Facebook killed the Big Deal Column, no point in denying it any longer. With that in mind I decided to put together a Memorial Day special post to give you all a laugh. Wait for it, o.k., it's a Ron story!

Ron went camping over the weekend with a few of his guy friends, he did the same thing last year and really had a good time so why not go again, right? Last year he brought his old bow with him and he and the dudes had fun shooting that so I was not at all surprised when he came back from Wal-Mart Thursday night with a new Daisy BB gun. An impulse buy. He had a 7:00 a.m. start on Friday so he was off and running before I was out of the shower that morning. I hung out all weekend and enjoyed my alone time. Ron returned home Sunday afternoon, walked in the house and I passed him in the hall and told he how bad he stunk. I walked off into the kitchen and he followed me, that is when I noticed the white hospital band on his wrist. He smiled, took off his sunglasses and told me the story of how the wrist band came to be.

He and the guys had been hanging out all day Friday just being manly then got up Saturday, had breakfast then started hitting golf balls.

Looks like fun doesn't it? It was fun right up until his very next shot, which struck one of the rocks out in front of him, ricocheted directly back at him and struck him on the left eyebrow! Nothing bleeds like a head wound and this was no exception. His fellow campers started trying to get a cellular signal and called 911. They had set up camp 13 miles off the nearest paved road, now they had to drive him out to the main road to a waiting ambulance which also had a medivac helicopter on stand by. This nice EMT determined that he had not lost his eye and that they should probably take him in for treatment.

At the hospital Ron and his camping buddy and now ER buddy Rich had to explain what had happened. You see this EMT laughing? So did everyone else! They did take things seriously enough to give him a CAT scan to make sure that his squash wasn't messed up any more that it had been before the impact, he was fine.

Yeah, evidently a story about a guy getting hit in the head with a golf ball that he shot is damn funny. I think it is! Really, that could only happen to Ron. Most people that get hit with a golf ball are hit with a ball shot by someone else, while playing golf!!! Ron wasn't playing golf, he was just screwing around with his friends and look what happened:

It required 8 stitches to close the wound then he was released from the hospital and went straight back to camp!! Didn't call the wife, instructed the other's to not tell their spouses should they talk to them and just carried on with his camping plans. Tough guy......

Before: After:

W Hotels Scottsdale

Ron and Chel — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 03:19:00 GMT

I saw a headline in the news earlier this week about rap producer Marion "Suge" Knight and how he had been involved in a fight at a private party at the W after the NBA All-Star Game which was in Phoenix last weekend. The story reminded me of my experience at the W and I figured I would share it.

At the end of October of last year I had the opportunity to attend the grand opening of the Bliss Spa at the W Hotel in Scottsdale. Now W Hotels are synonymous with pretentious douche baggery as are Bliss Spa's and this particular combo is located in the snatch bag capital of the south west. Let me show you a few notes from the ol' invite:

"Dress is casual unless you want hit the W's Living Room lounge or Sushi Roku restaurant after your visit, in which case we'd recommend Scottsdale fabulous attire. Please note final parking and entrance details below and see you at Bliss!"

And:

"Free 3-hour street parking is located within walking distance of the east entrance of the W Hotel or in the Galleria Corporate Centre parking garage near the corner of Drinkwater Boulevard and Stetson Drive."

It is with these terms in mind that I want you all to try to picture the following scene. My partner in crime, Sweet D is responsible for getting me into this whole experience so she agreed to pick me up and we would ride together. We both read enough of the invite to pick up on the casual dress part and as luck would have it we were both wearing black t-shirts, jeans, black flip-flops and huge black sunglasses. Neither of us paid a bit of attention to the part about parking so we rolled up to the valet in her wicked fly and equally bad ass Kia and find out that it is ridiculously cheap to have them park the car so we go for it. Now just like every other valet service this place will park all the really high end cars right out front for everyone to see and will park all the regular cars in some underground parking garage. When I stepped out of the Kia there was a Mazarati parked right beside me. Frickin' sweet. Now we have to enter the hotel thought the main lobby which is like an art museum with a bar. As we got near the registration desk some anorexic cunty chick looked down her nose at us and said "You two simply must be here for the salon event" and hurried us off down the hall before anyone else saw us! We got to the event and hung out for a while then finally wandered off, right back through the front lobby, just like we came in! Smooth.

eBay Yay or Nay?

Ron and Chel — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 04:37:00 GMT

I bought a bag for frozen boneless chicken pieces because I hate to cook and I am super lazy and inside the bag I found a piece of chicken that looks remarkably like a penis! I was so amused by it that I called Ron into the kitchen and showed it to him. He got the camera out and we have shown the pictures to a few people locally and they all seem to think we should try to sell this thing on eBay. It is a giant frozen chicken penis!

In the second picture even thought it is hard to look at you can see the ridges on the side! This is a great find, I just don't know what to do with it, I still have it in my freezer. Should I try to exploit it for financial gain or should I just throw it on the Foreman Grill? If this were in your freezer what would you do?

Fed Ex Resolution

Ron and Chel — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:49:00 GMT

Fed Ex actually stepped up and took care of me with the whole Valentine's Day delivery mishap and my replacement gift arrived today. Now that I have seen the box that this was shipped in I have no doubt that someone stole the other one. The box is pretty big, bigger than I had expected, it was something that I could not pick up with one hand while trying to unlock the door. Large box, easy to notice and it had the word Godiva printed in huge letters on the packaging tape that it was sealed with. The gifts are packed inside a Styrofoam cooler that has reusable ice packs in it because of the whole chocolate factor, very well packaged. The poor box was a sitting duck with douche bags in the neighborhood, I am now convinced it was one of the movers that were here when I left that day. Anyway, who ever jacked the last box got a nice gift for his lovely lady, I just hope he was smart enough to take the personal gift message out before giving it to her!

Alright, who said "AAAWWWWWWWW"? Admit it, you said it. Yup, he is the best husband ever! The big red box is satin and padded with a big crystal thing on it and there is chocolate inside, there is also chocolate inside the little heart attached to the bear. The bear has gold angel wings, I showed them to the girls but they didn't seem to get the hint. They were all like 'Bitch please, angel wings? Have you looked at the neighborhood you have us imprisoned in? We are practically feral!" Or they just sniffed it and walked away, either way, it can be hard to tell with cats.

I finally got my surprise Valentine's Day gift and the shopping cart has been removed from the premises so things might be getting better around here. That doesn't mean I am backing off with my thuggin', you let some Girl Scout come up in here all tryin' to pimp her cookies and shit and I will be all like 'STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!' and send her ass back to the non-gated communities!

2-17-09

Ron and Chel — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:31:00 GMT

I noticed the neighborhood is getting a little rough so I figured I needed to step up

Scottsdale Horizons representin'

...don't let the 13"s on the V Dub throw ya off, just my way of flyin' under the radar of the po po, know what I'm sayin'?! word.

Fed Ex Update

Ron and Chel — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 23:39:00 GMT

I got a call from a Fed Ex representative at 9:04 a.m. (yes, he woke me up!) telling me that they didn't have any information for me at the time and that the driver that had this delivery route on Saturday had the day off. After I finally dragged myself out of bed and could actually focus I called Fed ex back and told them that they needed to contact the driver today about the delivery. The person that I talked to when I called was Jessie and Jessie thought I was going to wait until tomorrow for an answer. Jessie was wrong and ended up transferring me to Kevin, the shipping manager at the Fed Ex processing facility where the package was scanned before delivery. He told me that the route supervisor for this area was doing a ride along with a driver and would be coming by to talk to me. He actually did! The guys name was Tony and he had talked to the driver that had delivered the package and they confirmed that he did leave it at the correct address. Now I left the house for about two hours all weekend, from about 11:30 to 1:30 on Saturday. The package was left here at 12:47 and by the time I got home at 1:30 it was gone! It is a gated community! The gate is open Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. but is closed all the rest of the time, you need a code to get it to open. There was a moving company van here when I left and it was gone by the time I returned home. I am not trying to say that one of my neighbors or one of the employees from the moving company took the package but I know I don't have it. Fed Ex is supposed to contact the sender about a replacement. I don't think I will be able to get what Ron had originally sent, when he forwarded me his order confirmation I went to Godiva's web site to see what he had ordered but the items were no longer available. They could just refund his money and I would be perfectly happy, he still gets credit for the gesture, extra credit considering the circumstances and I still got something for Valentine's Day that he paid for, it just came from Coach!

But seriously, who steals a package left on someone's steps? I saw stories about this on the news at Christmas time, how people would follow delivery trucks and pick up the packages that they left at residences but I didn't really think anything of it until now. That is messed up. I wonder if I should report this to anyone besides Fed Ex?

Speaking of Neighbors.....

Ron and Chel — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 21:24:00 GMT

As I sit here in a huff about my missing Valentine's present it has got me thinking about my lovely neighbors here in LD Phase 1. When I first went out to look around for the present one of my neighbors was walking to his vehicle so I asked him if maybe a package had been left at his unit accidentally. He didn't have it but decided to go into a spiel about how one of his vehicles has been leaking oil and is getting fixed this week. Blah, blah, blah. Dude, BOTH of your crappy vehicles have been leaking oil since you moved in over 6 months ago. And as an added bonus you parked in multiple spaces over the past 6 months and leaked crap all over those spaces too. He is taking steps to clean up the oil and anti freeze but throwing down some cat litter looking absorbent. Great, that might have worked when it first happened but now most of the gunk in melted into the pavement or has grass clippings stuck to the top of it. Not to mention people have been walking through it the entire time and tracking it all over the sidewalk. How are you going to get that cleaned up?

Fucking renter. It is a nice drivers side image of the V Dub! Poor girl has to be parked by that environmental hazard

Speaking of renters and the stupid things that they will do the unit below us is being occupied for a few months by an older couple from Michigan. They move in at the end of January and have not lived there very long. I came home from work last Friday and as I rounded the corner on my stairs I saw this from between the steps:

Yes, it is a shopping cart! They brought a shopping cart home from the Safe Way across the street and were trying to hide it underneath the stairs!! WTF?! This is Scottsdale not Glendale!! It was there for about a week before it finally disappeared. Lately every evening we get to enjoy the sounds of multiple yapping little dogs from one of the close neighboring units. Seems the owners of the obnoxious flea bags likes to stick them out on the patio so they don't have to listen to the shrill barking inside. Good thinking. Too bad the little dogs wouldn't drink the anti freeze that the other neighbors vehicle is leaking!

Honestly, lately when I look around the property all I hear is Elvis singing "On a cold and gray Chicago mornin a poor little baby child is born...."

Fed Ex Showin’ Me No Love

Ron and Chel — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 19:30:00 GMT

So I had a good Valentine's Day, since I was home alone I figured it was up to me to make the day special so I went to Coach and spent a few hundred bucks to make myself feel better. After I left Coach I picked up In N' Out Burger and I have to admit it was probably my best Valentine's Day ever! Great gift and a perfect meal! I figured Mr. Davis is a little busy right now so I took care of things, in the long run he is still paying for my gift so it is not like it matters if he was actually there to purchase it! In fact it worked out for him, he didn't even have to go shopping or even have a conversation about it! Well, didn't I get a message from him today asking me if I got the package he sent. What package? I didn't get no stinking package, are you crazy man? So he forwarded me a copy of the order confirmation of the Valentine's Day he sent me! Awwww......he DID get me something for Valentine's Day! I just didn't get it. I tracked the package through Fed Ex's web site, it shows the package was delivered shortly after noon yesterday. The only trouble is that it fails to indicate where it was delivered to and there was no signature required for delivery. Of course there is no way to find out anything about the delivery on a Sunday, I have to wait until tomorrow before I can even begin to track the thing down. I went around to some of the neighboring units to see if the was a package left at any of them but no luck. I even went over to the complex next to us to check at the same unit number but there was nothing. This went from being the sweetest gesture to being something that really has me angry. Not only did he send me something from Godiva but he paid for next day delivery on a Saturday and I don't have the package! The Fed Ex driver either left it at the wrong address or it was stolen while I was out. If it turns out that one of my douche bag neighbors has it I am going to lose my mind! I will keep you posted......

Diamond's

Ron and Chel — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 02:04:00 GMT

Yeah, it's kinda filthy but a funny picture all the same!

Valentine's Day Card

Ron and Chel — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 01:54:00 GMT

If you forgot about Valentine's Day and now you don't have a card to give to that special someone just go ahead and print this one and roll the dice!

Saint Valentine You Wily Scamp!

Ron and Chel — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 01:20:00 GMT

I know I said I wasn't going to do birthdays any more but this is more of a revelation than a birthday announcement! Did you know that February 14th is not only Valentine's Day, it is also Jordo's birthday! I think it is very fitting that Jordo was born on the day of love because let's face it, to know Jordon is to love Jordo!

Now, with that said I have a question: If Cathy and Craig have been married for 10 years now and Andy and Jordo have been BFF's since back in the days of yore why is it that the rest of us are just now getting to know and enjoy Jordo in past few years? Ten years of knowing Andy and just a few years of Jordo? What gives?

2-09-09

Ron and Chel — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:39:00 GMT

I don't have time right now to write a whole new entry so I give all of you this to keep you entertained for now. Enjoy!

Know what this is?

It's the most rockin' rock star that ever rocked!

Vegas Baby!

Ron and Chel — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:56:00 GMT

This past weekend the old man and I headed off to Las Vegas with our friends Sweet D and Focker and let me tell ya what, we had a GOOD time! We decided to slum it and stay in old Vegas but we got a pimped out tower suite at the Golden Nugget so we partied like rock stars. 1,500 square feet of space and mirrors on every ceiling, no lie! I love that Nevada doesn't have any open container laws so you can get all drinks to go! Anyway, we rolled into town Friday evening and started drinking before we were even fully checked into our room, always a good sign. The room was hooked up and had a nice view of the pool below, too bad in January the only people brave enough to sit out by the pool are from places like Minnesota or New England so there really wasn't much to look at! The pool itself was super cool, there is a large shark/fish tank in the center and a water slide that goes through said tank. In the picture below you can see that there is someone in the center of the tube! (Nice camera work Focker!)

As a group our mission was to stay buzzed the entire time we were there and we accomplished that, not bad for a bunch of 30 somethings. We brought several bottle of various tasty adult beverages with us and spent our time lounging in the room or running back and forth from the room to Fremont Street, gotta run back and mix a drink every now and then right! We got Margi Gras beads, got to see motorcycles race around in a tiny round cage, I bought some cool new socks from a street vendor and I even found time to make a new friend. I know you all want to read this little story so here you have it:

After retiring to the big fat couch in our suite on Saturday evening the mister and I were rudely awakened shortly after 1:00 a.m. by the sounds of merriment in the hall outside of our room. I think I should mention here that there were only 7 rooms on the entire floor, all wicked tricked out and costly to stay in. I should also mention that our room was at the end of the hall closest to the elevators. With that in mind you can imagine how pleased I was to hear the sounds of drunk chicks in the hall in the wee hours of the morning. I tried to ignore it for a while but for some reason they stayed in the hall laughing and yelling and just generally causing a scene. I understand that it is Las Vegas and people go there to party, and by all means party on, but do it in the casino or your room (which I am sure was quite nice based on our room). I put up with it for a good 10 minutes and then I snapped! I got up, found my pajama pants and put them on, I didn't think to grab a key card so I had to stay and hold the door for myself during the confrontation. I opened the door to find 3 chicks in the hall, just 3 but they were making enough noise for like 12 people. I poked my head around the corner and said "It is 1:00 a.m., people are trying to sleep, do you think you could take the party into your room?"

Drunk slut: "You know, you could ask a lot nicer!" "blah, blah, blah, something, blah blah"
Me: "I could ask nicer but I'm not going to."
Drunk slut: "blah, blah, blah, something, blah blah, ask nicer"
Me: "How about if you just shut the fuck up?"
Drunk slut: "blah, blah, blah, something, blah blah"

Seriously, when your behavior makes it necessary for me to come tell you to be quiet the right to any real courtesy has long since flown out the window. I went back into the room and all was quiet for about 3 minutes then the sounds of drunk slut running down the hall past our room screaming something about "you fucking bitch, blah, blah, blah, something, blah blah", she did this 3 or 4 times then finally disappeared into blissful silence. Then someone comes and knocks on our door, I am thinking 'you have got to be fucking kidding me', I ignored it, they knocked again and finally left after the 3rd time. All quiet again then the sound of someone trying to slid a key card in the door! WTF!! Quiet again then the group of loud drunk guys shows up to hang out in the hall. It wasn't long before the sound of a security radio echoed in the hall and keys jingling as someone ran past the room. We didn't call security but evidently one of the other guests did. End of problems.

We had to depart the sweet suite at noon on Sunday so I sobered up and drove everyone home. It was a great trip and we are all fairly proud to have been able to tear it up all weekend without doing any damage, no hangovers and just the one fight which to be honest with you only make the trip more memorable in my opinion!

This picture pretty much sums up the weekend, red Solo cups, Mardi Gras beads, Focker trying to be a photo Ninja while throwing me a shocker, Sweet D giggling on the couch and old man Davis flat on his back taking picture of our reflections in the ceiling, good times!

The Dollar Bill Slot

Ron and Chel — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 01:40:00 GMT

A few years ago my sister Dani had a pretty major surgery the resulted in an impressive vertical row of staples on her abdomen for a few weeks. The first weekend that she was home from surgery Ron and I stopped by to visit with her one afternoon. While we were visiting with her our sister Ann also stopped by and Joe was home. Anytime you get this combination of people together conversations get down right strange and laughter is a plenty, this time was no exception. As we were hanging out the subject of Victoria's Secret catalogs came up. Ron proceed to share his thoughts on something that can be seen frequently in every catalog. Some of the models are so thin that it would appear as though one could slip something as wide as a dollar bill between their thighs and not have it touch the sides! Ron refers to this as a Dollar Bill Slot, here are two quick examples:



As if his theory and name for it weren't funny enough to have Dani in agony from laughing so hard that she was in pain and worried that she was going to pop her staples Ron then took things a step further by doing the trucker horn honk arm motion and yelling "HONK, HONK!"   It was a classic moment that I was reminded of recently.

I keep trying to convince Ron that I need breast implants so in the spirit of research he and I and another couple decided to go to a few of the local places were such things are readily on display. Who better to ask about implants than people that have them! So this other equally as cool as us couple, lets call them Mitch and Cheyenne so as not to reveal their true identities in such a tale, headed out to some of the more questionable parts of Phoenix in search of a physician recommendation from topless chicks. Arizona has some laws about nudity and alcohol so the place we went to served alcohol and the 'performers' were only allowed to be topless. I find that more relaxing, vagina's' are kinda frightening, just saying.

So for those of you who are gonna pretend you don't know what goes down in a place like this I am going to tell you. First, you bring cash with you, don't use your credit card at Club Muffin Top. All financial transactions that take place inside will result in cash back in $1.00's. Pay your cover charge and you are getting back a stack of $1.00's, every drink you buy, same thing. Pretty soon you end up with a shit load of $1.00's and there are topless chicks everywhere. The lighting is bad, black lights mostly (and for good reason) and the music is loud as well as awful. One super cool part about the first meningitis cave we ventured into was that the womens bathroom was actually just a really small bathroom off of the area where the 'performers' get ready to go out! And because girls always go to the bathroom in groups Cheyenne and I each ended up having to wait for the other outside of the really small bathroom therefore in the stripper prep area! So cool, they have crappy old gym lockers and there is this super old cougar stripper wardrobe wrangler that has the smoker voice and she gets to dole out the props and the outfits for the ladies! If ever we were going to be on Cops this would be the time! Anyway, we watched a few different dancers/entertainers/strippers and we saw a few that had some really nice implants. We talked to one such lady about hers and she was cool enough to just hang out and talk about them. She talked about who did them, told us that she has had them done 3 times and this last time was the best, told us about some of her co-workers experiences with different surgeons and all kinds of very useful information. Of course the music was loud so we had to lean in close to her to hear what she had to say. The guys seemed super interested in this conversation, probably not because she was topless or anything. I tipped her several times during the conversation, courtesy first! What the Hell, we occupied time of hers that could have been used giving some trucker a lap dance, seems only fair we should compensate her.

Not all of the girls have fake breasts in these places. One such young lady had taken the stage and unleashed some crazy ass pole maneuvers that were truly worthy of salute, or a tip in this case. The girl was thin and had long dark hair and apparently trained as a gymnast at some point in her life! She really was impressive so I went over to the stage (by myself, thanks gang!) to donate a few dollars to what I am sure is her college fund. Anyway, now she is slinking around in front of me because I have money and she is letting me put the bills in her little g-string so she decides to turn around.  Now she in on her hand and knees with her ass right in front of me and there it is: The Dollar Bill Slot! I immediately wanted to slide one of the bills in just to prove the theory but I needed to make sure Ron would see me do it and understand what I was doing so I jumped back to the table to tell him but when I got back she had turned around and was now on her knees sitting up facing me so I missed the chance! Now she is touching me and talking to me and I went to give her another donation and she asked if I 'wanted to put it between her 'boobies'. Problem, the gap between her breasts is as large as her Dollar Bill Slot and I am working with dollars, not Post It Notes!

I briefly thought about licking the back if the bill and sticking it to her chest but then I remembered that we don't put money in our mouths. We are taught this as kids and for good reason. I used to work at a bank and I have seen how money gets passed around, plus this was strip club money I had in my hand. I don't know everywhere that cash has been but I do know where it was recently, poor George Washington!

Reminder!

Ron and Chel — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:32:00 GMT

All you Barak Obama supporters need to get out and vote tomorrow, you McCain supporters should plan to vote on Wednesday! That is all!

For Your Halloween Enjoyment

Ron and Chel — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 04:03:00 GMT

Here are a few pictures from a little get together we attended this past weekend, good times, good times.....

A little Davis makes every moment just a bit more special!

Every good party has a pimp, this pimp knows a guy that had scurvy!

Check it out: 'Sarah Palin, a pimp and The Shocker were sitting at a bar.......'

Halloween Greetings!

Ron and Chel — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 22:59:00 GMT

If you have not shopped for Halloween costumes lately you might be surprised by some of the things available, in fact, you might even say some of the latest costumes are somewhat shocking!

Yes, he IS available for parties and other social events!

Happy Halloween from The Big Deal Column!

I Can't Believe I Forgot About This!

Ron and Chel — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:26:00 GMT

I am truly disappointed with myself for forgetting this so we get a do-over. Yesterday was officially Dastardly Deed Day but I forgot all about it until mid afternoon. So, since I manage the blog I get to make the rules and therefore I have deemed the entire week Dastardly Deed Week! I am counting on each and every one of you BDC fans to bring out your best (or worst) efforts to do something dastardly and report said deeds as comments below. Use your imaginations and have fun with it!

Eerily Familiar

Ron and Chel — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:55:00 GMT

Chuck Heath, right, and his wife Sally watch, in their home in Wasilla, Alaska, as their daughter, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. was chosen by Sen. John McCain as his running mate and choice for vice president Friday Aug. 29. 2008.(AP Photo/Al Grillo)

Seriously, this picture caption could just as easily read "Robert Dickinson, right, and his wife Marty watch, in their home in Oakfield, Maine, .....if it weren't for the wide screen television I would swear this picture was taken on 'the porch of carnage'.

Hey Manny!

Ron and Chel — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:30:00 GMT

This coming Friday the old man and I are going to a Diamondbacks - Dodgers game and we got seats in the left field section of the stadium just so we can yell obscenities at Manny Ramírez. If you have any specific insults that you would like hurled at Manny just add them as comments and we will take care of the rest! Thanks!